Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
