i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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