I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
