I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
