My underwear smells like fireworks.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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