My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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