end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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