I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
