I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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