APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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