How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
