she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
