He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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