im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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