no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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