Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
