A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got inside last night via doggy door
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
