my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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