i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
