After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
