I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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