Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
