I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
