On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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