I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
