I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
