Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think your dad took our porno
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.