No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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