last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
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Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
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But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.