why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.