The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
