I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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