3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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