That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
