Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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