her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
