Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
