i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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