i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
