You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Houston, we have a squirter
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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