i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
