I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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