Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
