I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
