My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
