I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
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No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?