he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
