I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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