I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
