ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
