apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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