It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
