when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
