You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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