This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
