Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
